I looked at the clock standing on the CD player. How much tears could you spill before your eyes would swim out of your head – I wandered? What was she crying for anyway. The tears would stop at times and she would stay quiet for a while. But then suddenly, out of nowhere she would start again and louder. Every time louder than before. She was trying to cover her mouth with her hands but it would not work. The sound would still come out. Louder and louder and louder. She was trying to stop, that was plain, even for me to see. But somehow she was unable to stop. And that was visible too. She was trying everything. Closing her eyes, walking, clenching her fists, taking deep breaths. Nothing seemed to be right. Nothing could stop the fresh wave of hysterics.
I sat there for a long time staring at the girl and not being able to move. Not because of fear or compassion but because I knew that there was nowhere to go. I did not pity her. I did not wonder what had happened – and clearly there was something – to her. I did not feel anything.
I felt empty. It was so surreal that words fail me to describe it. I felt like I had no more breath in me, like I could not move my chest to take the breath. And yet this did not upset me in slightest. I felt dizzy and swayed on my legs for a second. The room was shaking and swirling, I felt sick. Like before vomiting. I tried to close my eyes and I could not open them again. I felt so tired. I did not want to open my eyes. Not now, not ever. I wanted to stay like that.