I want to live my life more

             Every day I get up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, watch something and sleep. The next day the story is the same. There are some variation of course but after a while I cannot distinguish one week from another, one month from the other.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time here. Life is passing me by, and I don't know what to do. I want to move forward, get involved in something meaningful, do something worthwhile.

But I don't know how. How can I find my true meaning of life. I tried many, many things. I travelled a lot and I searched in many places. I pray every day to find it. When will that day come? What will it be?

I wish it would come faster!

Friends with children

             I am single with no kids. Some of my friends are single and with no kids as well, but a few of them have children and are in happy relationships.

My friends who have kids become different since becoming parents. All they can talk about is their kids (or most they can talk about). Like there is nothing more in the world, no politics, no books, no movies, no nothing. It is like they don't have a mind of their own anymore. The child has taken over their souls.  

I know that it can happen. Kids are the most important thing. But I hope it will never happen to me (if I ever have children). Hope I will remain a separate identity.

Work

            Work is great and very important, but not the most important thing in the world. Unless, you work for yourself noone will appreciate your work as it should be appreciated. It is expected of you to do your job and to do it well and that is what you have to do. No questions asked no excuses.

So do it. Do your job but if you can - do not make it your life :)

People

                I was thinking about some people today. People that were so important some time ago in my life. I remember when I was so sad when some of them were clearly not so much interested in being good friends with me or at the beginning they seemed to be and later it all fall apart. I was wandering sometimes if that was my fault. I was taking the blame on me. Thinking that I’m not good enough to even be their friend anymore. It was happening for the last two years.

And somehow now I think that I don't need them anymore. I don't spend my time wandering what they are doing now or thinking if they will write me or not. I'm not waiting for them anymore. But I noticed that since the time they - to be melodramatic - broke my heart, I'm unable to make new friends. I don't know if I'm scared or if I don't care about new people in my life, but somehow there is this emptiness in me. And I on one hand don't care but on the other I'm so lonely.

It's difficult to be trapped in this world. It's like you want to get out of the glass house, but also too afraid to smash the door.

I am beautiful

                When I was riding the bus from work today I was looking at people. All dressed in warm clothes because of Winter. All occupied by their own thoughts just like me.

              Then I saw this guy standing right next to me, he caught my eye right away but honestly I don't know why. I look at him and he smiled, not at me off course but at this girl who came up to him. They started talking and it was obvious that they knew each other. I couldn't see her face well but I assumed she was pretty. She had some make up, long, straight hair. He was drinking every word, looking at her enraptured. THERE - I thought. IF I WAS THAT BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WOULD LISTEN TO ME TOO. DO I HAVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL TO BE HAPPY? 

                What is beautiful? How can we recognize it? How can we know and how can we be sure  that this beautiful person is good for us? How can you know that while talking to the beautiful person you are not wasting your time, because you should be talking to that girl next to you, who you will never notice because she becomes beautiful at the second glance?

Life

             What is life?
         
             What makes us going? Fear or love for life?

             Why do those who want to life - die, and those who don't - often do?

             What is the purpose of life?

Cage

              Sometimes I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. I should be outside roaming the streets, traveling, meeting new and exciting people, collecting stories. But I'm not doing that. I'm trading this for quiet, comfortable life and 9-7 job. 

And here I am. Meeting noone (almost), visiting the same places in my city, trying laboriously to do something with myself. To find something to fill my time. But the time should not be filled. It should be cherished and spend well if there only is a chance. We have too little time to waste it.

And the world is so big and there are so many things to do and try :)

Enjoy the silence

           Well, it seems that I cannot enjoy the silence. I wish I could. But everytime I try to sit in silence I have all those bad thoughts, or strange thoughts or the unpleasent ones. The silence oppress me. And I dread it.

That is why I listen to audiobooks. I need constant background voice, even if I am not doing justice to the book. I just need it.

I listen to someting while commuting to work, while cleaning, bathing and even when I'm falling asleep. I cannot stop.

But how can you figure anything out when you are constantly surrounded by noise?

Time

               Why do we say: kill time?

We don't have enough time to do everything we want. Sometimes we don't have the opportunity either, but maybe if we try hard we can do at least a bit. But we don't often use all the time we are given to do anything. We decide to for example write a notebook, but after sometime we feel lazy and stop. We decide to write a blog and later we have trouble to keep into date ;). Why is that?

I wish I would use my time better because I know that I will never get the lost time back !!!

New Year 2015

         The New Year is here again - as every year :). At least for those who are lucky and make it to celebrate it.  Life is short and it's imporrtant to make the best of it.

New ideas of mine:

ACTIVITIES

1. use the bow start in April 2015

2. learn to shoot a gun done 2010

3. play tennis

4. learn Japanese

5. to fish

6. surf

7. collect grapes

8. milk a cow

9. try golf

10. zorbing

11. write a book

12. cooking classes

13. fly a kite

14. give blood done first time 24.08.2013

15. write my favorite author done 20.09.2013

16. learn pottery started 16.09.2013 and still on it

17. read all books from my list 83/204

18. de-clatter my life :) start January 2014 and all done :)


COOKING

1. american pancakes done 31.12.2013

2. polish pancakes

3. chilli done 31.12.2013

4. lasagne done 30.08.2013

5. bake muffins done 29.05.2013

6. make a cake


TRAVEL

1. Kambodża

2. Dubai

3. Paris planning in June 2015

4. Rome done first time 1998 - October two weekds in Italy (Bergamo, Verona, Venice, Bolognia,                                                                                                                                      Florance)
5. Safari

6. Helsinki

7. U.S.A. done 2002 (1 year)

8. Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia

9. Visit 7 continets

10. India done 2012 (4 months)

11. Hong Kong

12. England done 2008, 2009, 2010, 2012

13. Road trip

14. Japan done 2009 (1 month)


BODY

1. Become slim starting - 02.01.2015 - at lesat 10 kg to go

2. Try exercise ever day - enrolling for the fitness club in January


OTHER

1. own a coffee shop

2. ride in a helikopter

3. touch a shark

4. touch a tiger/lion

5. have a house on a beach

6. plant z tree

7. send a letter in a bottle

8. get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it started - August 2013

9. pat a snake

...

and more to come :)

Crush

          Some time ago somebody I used to like (and still do although it is beyond me) wrote me after a long time and told me that he liked me too. He was afraid to tell me that for a long time and didn't know how to do it. He hinted on liking me many times but then denied it again and again. 

I was confused and surprised but at the same time pleased. I thought for all this time that maybe I was crazy. 

The problem is: after telling me that he misses me and wants to meet and talk a lot, he - stopped contacting me. We haven't exchanged a word for like two months now. And I don't understand what happened. And I wish I could meet him and punch him real hard.

How dears he to crush my peace again? Who am I? He has no decency to leave me alone? Not even that? Who are people to do something like this? Are they so insecure they have to walk all over other people's feelings?

Wish some day I could find out.

"Friends"

          Yesterday was a glorious day (and one of many). Yesterday I found out that I do not get people. AGAIN!!!

How is it that I have the pleasure of meeting people who say one thing, do something else and in the end deny saying anything in the first place. Or maybe I started to misunderstand human speech - what is, of course, possible.

What does: I like you, you are my friend and the ultimate - I love you - actually mean. I always thought that those are quite straight forward things, where you do not have to think about the meaning too much. I like you is I like you right? Is there a deep meaning to this or maybe something hidden in the message.  

Or I love you? If someone says that or I wanna be with you and I think you're great and I'm so happy I met you. What does this actually mean?

Why the hell do I meet such people, such guys, and what is worse - why am I stupid to believe what people say. Am I losing my cool or maybe I'm exaggerating? Maybe I should only listen half way and never believe when I hear something like that. Maybe I should take a loooooooong time to convince myself that the words are true?
Why do some people toy with others hearts and emotions?

I had the pleasure :( of meeting three guys who made me think that I don’t like guys anymore - and I think that men are great :).

First they were head over hills, telling me how great I am, how awesome, how happy there were to meet me and such crap. They messed with my head and just when I started to believe it - it stopped. No message, no good-bye, nothing. Would that be so difficult to let me know that they are no longer interested in being friends or a couple? Would that be so hard to just tell me or write me that they no longer wanna contact me? And the funny thing is - they all agreed to do it if ever they felt like never seeing me again.

I’m not the most beautiful or smart girls in the world. I know that. I’m average but ok. I think. And of course I know and understand that not everybody has to love me forever. But is it really so painful to let somebody know when you are no longer interested to BE with someone? Even though it would be difficult for me to hear or read that I would be so much happier and I would heal much quicker if I knew instead of wandering what is going on.

And how am I supposed to remember good things when it seems like all the things he said were not true (sometimes I have that impression).

If you are not interested in someone do not play with that persons feeling and do not waste her/his time. Be honest even though its not pleasant, have the guts to admit the truth. Spare someone’s pain and prevent that person from becoming bitter.

Sick

         Today I am sick of everything. I am sorry !!!

What is Love?

         What is Love?

        It has many, many faces. Kids love their parents, an parents kids. We love our friends and they love us. We may love our pets, we say we love movies and boos and clothes and many more.

       Sometimes I think about the real meaning of the word. If we love everything - how can we truly love one thing or person?

Passage of time

              We take time for granted.

When we are small we can hardly wait to get older. We hate when people say that we are too young to understand something. Days drag and we celebrate our birthdays loving the passage of time. We cannot wait for the next one.

When we get older, the time slows down. We notice the passage now. People we know and love start to leave us. We realise that your body gets older. "I'm not as young as I used to be" we say sometimes.

Still we postpone doing things. There is never a good time to realise some of our dreams. We know that the clock is ticking but we still delude ourselves that we have plenty of time, that we will live forever.

And then we find out that we are sick, terminally sick. And the time seems to be slipping away. And suddenly we would love to do hundreds of things we never had time to do before. But it is too late now. We have no more strength to do it, no more days.

So get up now and do it.

Birthday

           It is my birthday tomorrow. I plan nothing special. Last year was my last birthday party - my 30th. I decided then not to celebrate it anymore ;). Still so much to do and the time goes soooooo fast.

Rain

          Rain cleanses everything. It washes away the dirt and sadness of the day. It makes the world anew. It brings life to plants and people. It mingles with the tears and saves you from spilling your secrets.

Parents

      My friend's father died a few days ago. My friend is devastated. I don't know what to say or do for my friend, how to console him in his grief.

      I think about my parents now. About the two people whose presents I always take for granted. The two people on who I count to be here forever, whenever I need them. 

      There is still so many things to do with them and for them. There is still so many things to learn from them and many things where I would like to show them so they can be proud of me.

      Sure we have some differences (not many luckily) but there are one stable thing in my life.

     What will I do when they are no more with me.

The happy family

Love, love, love ...

        I wanna finally fell in love - that is what my friend told me a few days ago. I was surprised. She never showed herself so vulnerable.

However, aren't we all?

I cannot say this aloud by - SO DO I !!!

I want to be crazy in love, trust this person, believe him, be sure of him. It should be simple but it seems that it is not. I cannot find the right one :(

Years

       Years are passing, time is flying and nothing is going on. I achieve nothing.