Loneliness

             What is loneliness? 

Is it simply a time when you have no one to talk to about your hobbies? Or maybe no one to call when you need help with your car, washing machine or a leaking tap? Maybe when you have no one to call at all, regardless the problem and the only letters you receive are those from the local bank? Everyday all you get are spam messages on your e-mail box. Or maybe when you stand in the middle of a busy street and there are people walking by, not looking at you, pushing you out of their way, muttering something under their angry noses? Or maybe it’s a feeling you get every morning, before you even open your eyes, before you are even aware you’re awake? The feeling of abandonment. The feeling of belonging to nowhere and no one. The feeling that clutches tight in your chest so you can barely take a breath. 

And I’m not talking about some figure of speech. I’m actually talking about pain in the chest, very real, forceful, grabbing you first thing in the morning, when you lie in bed, staring at the sealing. The pain which makes your heart race like crazy, like it would like to jump out and spring away. The hole of total and consuming you from head to toe emptiness. You can try and scream. There is nothing wrong in trying, but I can assure you that there will be no sound escaping your mouth. Not even a whisper.

Leneliness part 2

              I thought about it sometimes in my BEFORE life. But only sometimes and mostly because of the first reason maybe or second the most. Never more than that. 

But since my BEFORE life was over I had to think about it all the time. Because there was nothing more for me to think about. Except that loneliness and emptiness in my life. Even now, so long after the old me died and the new one appeared it’s beyond my belief how a person can change so much in so little time. I never believed in changes. Of course there is a possibility to work on your flows if you want to badly. What are new year’s resolutions for and Mondays right? Monday is always a good day to start over. No one wants to do it in the middle of a week right. But anyway, I never believed that a person can change much. You can start new habits, new routines, stop smoking, swearing or eating too much if you wish but a permanent and deep change was in my view impossible. All the movies I saw with sudden change of heart were all stupid and not true to me.

And, hahahaha, as it often does happen to people like me, we get a life lesson which makes you reconsider a lot of stuff, you would take for granted in your life. In my case some of them were so drastic that I even had to get friendly with myself again, as a very, very new and different person.

Room 2

                  I opened the door cautiously and slowly. I did not want to experience the falling again. It was so bad the first time. So I opened the door as slowly as I could and peered inside. It was dark and I couldn’t see much. There was only a small blue light coming somewhere from a distance. I looked down to check whether I could enter the room savely. I could not tell. The darknes however wasn’t so bad anymore or maybe my eyes started to get used to it because I could see something solid under my feet. The color was still obscured by darkness but I was sure that something was there. Something to rest my feet on and something that would for sure prevent me from folling on my face or somewhere even lower. Still, my steps were careful and deliberate. I entered the room and imediatelly started to feel the walls. I didn’t know why I was doing that but it seemed somehow mechanical and not contious at all. I was touching the walls and taking small, tiny steps forward – to the blue light. It was drawing nearer and nearer when suddenly – bang. I hit my head on something solid. “Damn”. Did I say it out loud? I wasn’t sure whether I was alone here. But anyway, it was all in my head right. I could stand here and swear my mouth off and still noone would know or hear that.

Death

                 If you think that you can prepare for something like that you are wrong. It’s not possible. Death is constantly present, in every second but after a while you can’t stand it anymore. The anticipation kills you slowly and after a while you snap. It’s too much for your brain I think and it tries to protect itself from the stress. And after a while you somehow, but not completely of course, forget about the death date. The time goes on slowly but surely and despite anything it passes. You can’t stop it. It want sit with you and wait till it’s over. Days bring new things, new challenges and you have to deal with them. And soon your mind tired and looking for some distraction finds other things to think about. And you start to plan days or weeks, holidays, visits of friends. Who knows, maybe he’ll live till Christmas, so you should buy presents, maybe next birthday he’ll be fine to, maybe you should organise a party. And you start to think that this will never end. That he will never die. And when the day comes you are expecting it and it hits you so hard it lives you breathless. You are not prepared for that though you had so much time. And you’re exhausted and you don’t even know how to grief. You don’t want to. So you tell me what’s better because the outcome is always the same. You’re broken and half dead because the person takes a piece of you when leaving.

Forgiveness

             They left in the morning. The road wasn't long, about 5 hours . They did not exchange a single word, but Annie did not mind. She sat and admired the world through the window. She wondered why there were going and why now . She thought about Carol what they will there . She did not know too many members of her husband's family, noone ever visited . John secretly watched her . They sat facing each other, and she still looked somewhere far away not paying attention to him. He was jealous of these thoughts . He wanted her to think about him . He wanted his person to occupy all her thoughts. Just as she was in his all the time. He thought of her constantly . Sometimes he could not concentrate on anything else. He liked to wake up next to her and watch her sleep. Sometimes he felt that maybe this was how he would spend the rest of his life - just watching her. She did not even have to know that he was near. He likes to know that she is in his house, that when he returns after a hard day work, he will at least see the shadow of her dress or her hand. It's strange that you can be so close to someone, and yet so far.

....................................................................................................................................................

John sat on the porch and watched Anna. She laughed and hugged little Jacob. She looked really happy. He did not even notice when Carol joined him .

- Anna is a great girl . You are really lucky.

- Yes, I know - he said it, still looking at her, but without enthusiasm .

They sat there for a moment in silence. Carol felt that there is something wrong between them, but waited for the right moment to ask him about it .

- Jacob adores her. Since you came here he doesn't not leave her side.

- Yes - he answered.

- She takes good care of him. Don't you think?

- Yes, she does.

- Maybe it's time for you to think about your own children .

He looked at her, and then quickly away .

- I do not think it's possible now.

- Why ?

- It's complicated.

- That's what I was thinking - she sighed and looked at Anne. - You want to talk about it?

- No. Actually, there is nothing to talk about. That's the way it is. Don't even know how to explain it.

- Try.

- I don't know. She didn't want to marry me.

- Why do you say that?

- I knew about this before the wedding. We didn't know each other well. I thought that everything will work out when we move in together. I deluded myself that when she learns that I love her... that she will know.

- But you love her. Why do you think you cannot be happy together?

- I didn't say .

- But it looks like you did. In haven't seen you talk to each other since you came here . Anna does not want to talk about you, and you avoid answer . I can see that something is wrong .

He did not answer right away. And when he spoke his voice was quiet and sad.

- She's not happy with me.

- Why do you say that?

- Come on. Look at her. Since the wedding I didn't hear her laugh. I don't even know if I've ever seen her smile. I know she would rather be married to someone else. Someone who gave her happiness. She deserves the best. I cannot give her that.

Carol saw his suffering. She didn't know why he and blamed himself.

- I'm sure you're wrong. She loves you.

- How do you know ?

- Well. Forgive me, but as a woman I know more about love and I know she loves you.

He shifted uneasily in his chair .

- That's impossible. I've done things .... I did things that hurt her very much . I did this knowing that it would hurt her. I do not know whether I would be able to forgive them myself.

- Women are very strange. They can handle anything as long as they hope they will be happy. They can handle and survive many things. Trust me. It's not too late, but you have to hurry . Even the woman's patience may be over, and then there is no turning back, no hope for you. Now, however, you have to fight .

- I don't know if this is still possible.

- If you love her it is. Trust me. I survived and I saw many things. You are young, and there are many good moments ahead of you.

She stood up and patted him on the shoulder. He was still looking at Anna. Carol did not know whether she reached him or not, but she hoped she helped. She went back to the house and left him alone.

John sat and stared Annie. She was playing with Jacob, they were running together around the tree. She was laughing. He listened to the laughter and dreamed that one day she would laugh like that for him. That she would be happy.

Observation

             I looked at the clock standing on the CD player. How much tears could you spill before your eyes would swim out of your head – I wandered? What was she crying for anyway. The tears would stop at times and she would stay quiet for a while. But then suddenly, out of nowhere she would start again and louder. Every time louder than before. She was trying to cover her mouth with her hands but it would not work. The sound would still come out. Louder and louder and louder. She was trying to stop, that was plain, even for me to see. But somehow she was unable to stop. And that was visible too. She was trying everything. Closing her eyes, walking, clenching her fists, taking deep breaths. Nothing seemed to be right. Nothing could stop the fresh wave of hysterics.

I sat there for a long time staring at the girl and not being able to move. Not because of fear or compassion but because I knew that there was nowhere to go. I did not pity her. I did not wonder what had happened – and clearly there was something – to her. I did not feel anything.

I felt empty. It was so surreal that words fail me to describe it. I felt like I had no more breath in me, like I could not move my chest to take the breath. And yet this did not upset me in slightest. I felt dizzy and swayed on my legs for a second. The room was shaking and swirling, I felt sick. Like before vomiting. I tried to close my eyes and I could not open them again. I felt so tired. I did not want to open my eyes. Not now, not ever. I wanted to stay like that.

Soulmates

                I don’t know. Maybe the death brings something on us or maybe you desperately try to win some time but back then everything was meaningful. There was no wasting of time. All made sense and everything I did seemed complete. I focused on one thing – to make it better. To be there. Only that mattered to me at that time. All else was just put to the minimum. I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone before or after that. I know he felt the same. We spend endless hours talking. First at home when it was still possible and later in the hospital. Talking about anything. Some stupid things like weather or commercials and some important and sometimes painful things. Like my family, his life before we met, endless hospital visits, hopes, disappointments. I’ve never been so honest in my life, I’ve never been so free to say what I really wanted or thought. I wasn’t scared to hurt him and he wasn’t afraid to do something that would hurt me. Absolutely free. There was no point hiding anything. I could say whatever I wanted and if something wasn’t clear or if he understood it differently we had all the time in the world to discuss it. I could explain my every word or thought million times over, until he knew exactly what I meant. No one has ever been so patient with me. Or I with anyone.

Have you ever felt something like this? Have you ever felt that somebody is really listening to what you say? That he cares and will listen to anything you say and not only that, but he will also be genuinely interested in it? That he cares? And you don’t have to edit anything or change it. And you can say everything and he’ll not interrupt. And he’ll give you the same, and tell you all from the bottom of his soul. And you find the will and strength to really listen to somebody. To really her the words. And you don’t even have to try to do it because it seems so naturally. Like breathing. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to come back to the world where no one cares? It took me months. No one was looking at me anymore. I felt abandoned and lost in this world of constant questioning and fear that something I do or say will be taken bad by others. I felt so lonely.

Memories

             If only I knew that he thought off me too. That would be a relief in my tears. I would be able to stand it if I only knew that I meant something to him in the end. That all his words were not just empty and his promises were not just a mere wagging of the tongue.

Anger

                I felt it again. The anger, the rage. It all started in my stomach. I felt the heat like burning, like it was trying to burn itself out of my body and escape it. The heat rose steadily but surely. I could feel it inch by inch – higher and higher. Finally it reached my throat. I clenched my teeth, my fists already white with the force which made them close themselves and my whole body upright and ready. Ready to face and destroy everything around me. I used my whole will to keep my mouth shut afraid that the fire would escape and burn everything around me. I could feel the air passing through the gaps though, making long and surely audible for everyone around me, hissing sound.

No one reacted. No one even looked at me. I – slowly – took a big breath through my nose. I was still too afraid to open my mouth. The fire still was not out and could escape any second now. I felt better momentarily. The cold air acted like a deterrent for the fire. 

Goodbye :)

Hey!

        Was thinking what to say to U. I lied. When I said that I was not sad because of you. I know I  shouldn’t have but U looked so upset and I didn’t want t bring any more misery on U. Do U know that I miss you. I miss U so much it actually hurts me. I miss you every day. There isn’t one when I don’t think about U. I wander what U do, where U are, what U would say to me if we were together. But mostly I miss you being close to me, holding my hand and looking at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours. So dark and beautiful. It will be a year soon since we talked but I still remember. I remember U well. What I said that nigh was all true. I don’t know what U meant by saying all of it. U took it all back later. I don’t understand what it was, for since U knew there was nothing to it in the end. Didn’t U know that it would break my heart? I guess not. I even didn’t know that until it was all done. And there was no turning back, for me at least, after that. I used to think about it often but after some time it just became too painful so I tried very, very much not too. But I’m so lonely without U. When I left I lost something then and now I cannot come back to myself anymore. I never felt like this. I feel such loneliness and sadness sometimes that is almost chokes me. I cannot breath. I know you don’t understand since you’re so happy and always so great. I know that its different for you. I don’t blame U. But I love you! More than I can explain or even admit. And I don’t know what to do. Cause I know you don’t feel anything to me or even think about me at all. I pray to God every day so he can take this love away from me so I would not suffer anymore. I had enough. A year is enough don’t you think. I don’t want to feel it trust me. I was better at times but this place brings all the memories back. And I’m back to where I was last year. Right after I left. Just back then we talked for hours every day. That helped me. I’m sorry I was so lousy about the contact. I just couldn’t handle that anymore.