Again...

              Again Im thinking about going somewhere. Im thinking about leaving.

After coming back from my last trip (after 8 months by the way) I promised myself that the time has come to make every effort to stay in Poland, find a good job and make a normal living here. I had all the intention to do that. I was even tired of being away. I thought that my house, my room and my bad would make me happy.

And here I am. 10 months after coming back and Im as lonely and unhappy as I can be. And the thought of leaving and going somewhere, of leaving everything behind, of escaping is getting stronger and stronger by the day. I can recognise the signs well. It has happened before often enough for me to know that the plan is already forming at the back of my head. And Im thinking China now. It should be far enough for me. I hope.

The problem is that Im still thinking of staying. I dont wanna go. I want to be well here. I want to be happy here and I want my life to be here where I live now. Im tired of running.

Is it cowardice? or self-preserfation? Do I want to go because I know that I will be happier somewhere else or do I want to go to escape? The battle is going on inside me all the time now? Fight or flight?

Should I go to China and stay there for some time knowing full well that I will come back later and the process will start all over again? Or should I stay and fight every day, every minute to find something to hold me here? This place is as good as any other place. I like it here :)

What is it to make me the way I am? Why is it so painful for me to find my way and place in the world? Im angry at being so weak, at not being able to decide. But even though I scold myself it still consumes me. This anguish which is all the time with me lately.

Is it possible to make a plan and come back to the living? I will have to claw my way up it seems!!!

About people

               Yesterday was a glorious day (and one of many). Yesterday I found out that I do not get people. AGAIN!!!

How is it that I have the pleasure of meeting people who say one thing, do something else and in the end deny saying anything in the first place. Or maybe I started to misunderstand human speech - what is, of course, possible.

What does: I like you, you are my friend and the ultimate - I love you - actually mean? I always thought that those are quite straight forward things, where you do not have to think about the meaning too much. I like you is I like you right? Is there a deep meaning to this or maybe something hidden in the message.

Or I love you? If someone says that or I wanna be with you and I think you're great and I'm so happy I met you. What does this actually mean?

Why the hell do I meet such people, such guys, and what is worse - why am I stupid to believe what people say. Am I losing my cool or maybe I'm exaggerating? Maybe I should only listen half way and never believe when I hear something like that. Maybe I should take a loooooooong time to convince myself that the words are true?

Why do some people toy with others hearts and emotions?

I had the pleasure :( of meeting three guys who made me think that I don’t like guys anymore - and I think that men are great :).

First they were head over hills, telling me how great I am, how awesome, how happy there were to meet me and such crap. They messed with my head and just when I started to believe it - it stopped. No message, no good-bye, nothing. Would that be so difficult to let me know that they are no longer interested in being friends or a couple? Would that be so hard to just tell me or write me that they no longer wanna contact me? And the funny thing is - they all agreed to do it if ever they felt like never seeing me again.

I’m not the most beautiful or smart girls in the world. I know that. I’m average but ok. I think. And of course I know and understand that not everybody has to love me forever. But is it really so painful to let somebody know when you are no longer interested to BE with someone? Even though it would be difficult for me to hear or read that I would be so much happier and I would heal much quicker if I knew instead of wandering what is going on.

And how am I supposed to remember good things when it seems like all the things he said were not true (sometimes I have that impression).

If you are not interested in someone do not play with that persons feeling and do not waste her/his time. Be honest even though its not pleasant, have the guts to admit the truth. Spare someone’s pain and prevent that person from becoming bitter.

Love is white in Agra ... Taj Mahal

               What a beautiful country India is!

What colors can you see on the streets, what different people, faces, clothes. What different smells can you smell. And let me add - not always pleasant ;)

Indians are very proud of their country and culture. And they particulary proud of a certain structure built from 1632 to 1653 by Shah Jahan called - the Taj Mahal.

The Taj Mahal is - of course - very beautiful. Everybody was telling me that before I went to see it and I have to say that they were not exaggerating. Everything - from the outlying buildings, the garden and the pool was planned and executed perfectly. And the center piece - the white tomb - is truly breathtaking and grand.

I was positively surprised by the site because I heard many times in India that something was worth seeing, when later it turned out that it wasn't worth seeing at all. Luckily the Taj was :)

Often when I admire art work, sculptures, paintings or buildings I am swept by the fact that people can create such beautiful things with their own hands, and that the ideas come from their heads. It makes me wonder that humans are truly special and that their minds are truly beautiful. Considering that the Taj was built over 400 years ago when the technology was somewhat "less able" than now, we have to admire that monument and people who built it.

Picture by me :)

Listen to me! ... audiobooks

 Some time ago I discovered a very new (at least to me) way of reading books - AUDIOBOOKS.

I always dismissed that way of reading simply because I'm a very visual person. Not auditory at all (or so I thought). I thought that after listening to some parts of the book I will not remember it after a while. I guess I was wrong :)

My first book was "In cold blood" by Truman Capote. I didn't have an MP3 player or an iPod but just my computer. I would usually listen to the book before going to sleep and very often falling asleep while listening to it :) But it was a great and new experience and it made me realised that audiobooks are for me.

The things I like about them are:

1. mobility: you can listen to the book while driving, going to work or school, in the train or tram, or even when you go to sleep

2. usefulness: you can listen to it when it's dark or when you are in a crowded place, or when you stand in a loooong queue in a shop

3. enjoyment factor: cleaning my house, cooking, doing laundry or any chores are fun since the audiobooks discovery

Audiobooks bring a totally new dimension to book reading. Mostly because the book is strongly influenced by the person who reads it. I have listened to books (like "Harry Potter" series read by Stephen Fry) where the voice-overs were so spectacular that I come back to them over and over again. They are much, much greater than the voice in my head.

Besides, what is better in learning a foreign language than listening to it :)

                                                   

My list ...

The New Year is here :) New ideas, new plans and a new beggining.

Some ideas of mine:


ACTIVITIES

1. use the bow start in April 2014

2. learn to shoot a gun done 2010

3. play tennis

4. learn Japanese

5. to fish

6. surf

7. collect grapes

8. milk a cow

9. try golf

10. zorbing

11. write a book

12. cooking classes

13. fly a kite

14. give blood done first time 24.08.2013

15. write my favorite author done 20.09.2013

16. learn pottery started 16.09.2013

17. read all books from my list 50/112

18. de-clatter my life :) start January 2014


COOKING

1. american pancakes done 31.12.2013

2. polish pancakes

3. chilli done 31.12.2013

4. lasagne done 30.08.2013

5. bake muffins done 29.05.2013

6. make a cake


TRAVEL

1. Kambodża

2. Dubai

3. Paris plan in 2014

4. Rome done first time 1998

5. Safari

6. Helsinki

7. U.S.A. done 2002 (1 year)

8. Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia

9. Visit 7 continets

10. India done 2012 (4 months)

11. Hong Kong

12. England done 2008, 2009, 2010, 2012

13. Road trip

14. Japan done 2009 (1 month)


BODY

1. Become slim started - 25.09.2013 - .......

2. Try exercise ever day


OTHER

1. own a coffee shop

2. ride in a helikopter

3. touch a shark

4. touch a tiger/lion

5. have a house on a beach

6. plant z tree

7. send a letter in a bottle

8. get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it started - August 2014

9. pat a snake

...

and more to come :)