Again...

              Again Im thinking about going somewhere. Im thinking about leaving.

After coming back from my last trip (after 8 months by the way) I promised myself that the time has come to make every effort to stay in Poland, find a good job and make a normal living here. I had all the intention to do that. I was even tired of being away. I thought that my house, my room and my bad would make me happy.

And here I am. 10 months after coming back and Im as lonely and unhappy as I can be. And the thought of leaving and going somewhere, of leaving everything behind, of escaping is getting stronger and stronger by the day. I can recognise the signs well. It has happened before often enough for me to know that the plan is already forming at the back of my head. And Im thinking China now. It should be far enough for me. I hope.

The problem is that Im still thinking of staying. I dont wanna go. I want to be well here. I want to be happy here and I want my life to be here where I live now. Im tired of running.

Is it cowardice? or self-preserfation? Do I want to go because I know that I will be happier somewhere else or do I want to go to escape? The battle is going on inside me all the time now? Fight or flight?

Should I go to China and stay there for some time knowing full well that I will come back later and the process will start all over again? Or should I stay and fight every day, every minute to find something to hold me here? This place is as good as any other place. I like it here :)

What is it to make me the way I am? Why is it so painful for me to find my way and place in the world? Im angry at being so weak, at not being able to decide. But even though I scold myself it still consumes me. This anguish which is all the time with me lately.

Is it possible to make a plan and come back to the living? I will have to claw my way up it seems!!!