I don’t know. Maybe the death brings something on us or maybe you desperately try to win some time but back then everything was meaningful. There was no wasting of time. All made sense and everything I did seemed complete. I focused on one thing – to make it better. To be there. Only that mattered to me at that time. All else was just put to the minimum. I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone before or after that. I know he felt the same. We spend endless hours talking. First at home when it was still possible and later in the hospital. Talking about anything. Some stupid things like weather or commercials and some important and sometimes painful things. Like my family, his life before we met, endless hospital visits, hopes, disappointments. I’ve never been so honest in my life, I’ve never been so free to say what I really wanted or thought. I wasn’t scared to hurt him and he wasn’t afraid to do something that would hurt me. Absolutely free. There was no point hiding anything. I could say whatever I wanted and if something wasn’t clear or if he understood it differently we had all the time in the world to discuss it. I could explain my every word or thought million times over, until he knew exactly what I meant. No one has ever been so patient with me. Or I with anyone.
Have you ever felt something like this? Have you ever felt that somebody is really listening to what you say? That he cares and will listen to anything you say and not only that, but he will also be genuinely interested in it? That he cares? And you don’t have to edit anything or change it. And you can say everything and he’ll not interrupt. And he’ll give you the same, and tell you all from the bottom of his soul. And you find the will and strength to really listen to somebody. To really her the words. And you don’t even have to try to do it because it seems so naturally. Like breathing. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to come back to the world where no one cares? It took me months. No one was looking at me anymore. I felt abandoned and lost in this world of constant questioning and fear that something I do or say will be taken bad by others. I felt so lonely.